"It's easier to be angry than to be hurt."

Recently, it seems that anger has been seeping into my heart. I want to make clear I am a true believer that anger can be a tool of liberation, yet it is one I haven’t mastered yet. While this anger is an accumulation of different things, old and new, I have to acknowledge I do not have the best grasp over it. 

And this might be my greatest lesson but also my downfall to end the year on.

Suffering feels religious if you do it right. - unknown

This anger that has been festering for these last few weeks isn’t a good one. It’s rooted in traumas that have been triggered, current events, disappointment in myself, and confusion of this current version I am in. This anger has clouded my judgment. It has poisoned my words. This anger has motivated impulsive actions that do a disservice to the healing I have been working vigorously this year on. I think of how I started this year and where I am now. I can’t help but feel I am back to square one. 

And that’s defeating as f*ck.

What if I gave myself false ideas of what I could be, where I was heading? What if I’ve been putting on an act and I haven’t grown in the ways I thought I have? What if I truly failed not only my spirits, but most importantly myself?

I have so much anger. 

As we prepare to enter winter, you’d think that things would be slowing down. Yet the opposite seems to be happening. The rotting inside has built so much energy inside me that I don’t know how to expel it. Don’t get me wrong, I am working with my therapist. I am not idly just sitting in this. But I don’t see a clear path right now.

Folks have been trying to be encouraging, but respectfully I am not in the space to receive it. I take accountability for where I am at right now. It’s no ones responsibility to figure out but mine. I know we have our seasons that we are not our best, but it’s always these seasons I am so embarrassed. 

There are ways I have to unlearn not to fear my anger. A fear that feeds into the isolation from the world around me. It’s only human to not want others to witness us in our chaos. 

Will I still be extended love and grace in my mess? 

This state of being could not come at the worst time. I am still catching up from a fast-paced transition I was not fully prepared for. I am still trying to build a stable community that is within my reach and not miles away. Am I wasting my time? Figuring this out is imperative as it is unfair to those around me who is starting to feel the burn from the fire that is starting to burst out of me at the seams.

Song channeled:

Yearning for peace,

M.